John Lemley

Why is it that WABE's on air "personalities" suck so bad? Take, for example, John Lemley, a man who consistently stumbles over the "W" in WABE. To hear him mispronounce this letter each time there's a station identification is one of the delightful irritants of Living in Dekalb. He also frequently makes errors, as occurred the other day, when he consistently gave the wrong time, correcting himself with a little laugh. Where did they find him?

Pedestrians MUST Press Button

I'm sure that if you have ever walked in Atlanta you have seen this sign:

Pedestrians MUST Press Button

This delightful decree adorns every intersection that has (a) a sidewalk (okay, so that means there aren't so many), and (b) a button for a walk signal (ditto).

It might as well say:

Pedestrian, know thy place! Bow before thy master, the mighty automobile! If thou press not the button, then will thy master heed thee not, and thy blood will sully our pavement. Indeed, why art thou not driving thyself? Art thou black? If so, they away with thee! We want thee not. Except during business hours, or, in the case of late night janitors, late at night, but please keep thine uniform on at all times, lest we mistake thee for a home invader. And press that button, cur!

I'd like to get tee-shirts made:

Welcome to Altanta!
Pedestrians MUST Press Button

Atlantans and their Social Exclusion

The other day I took the dog to the Oakhurst Dog Park. This time, I ignored the sign and walked in. What sign, you ask? Dear reader! Don't you know? The big one that says"For the use of Decatur City residents only"! The one that warns you to make sure you have the proper Decatur City dogtags.

I thought people wouldn't notice or mind. But, alas, I should have guessed. My dog and I were shunned like a retard in a cafeteria. I took my second-class ass back to unincorporated Dekalb.

This neighborhood exclusivity is endemic in Atlanta, and, frankly, it sucks royal shit. Like those pretentious fucks at Avondale Estates, with their Olde Englishe Streete Signes. If you try to get there from, oh, say, Katie Kerr Street (anyone still reading?) you have to wind down and around, past the bombed out apartment buildings (which, by the way, they're renovating as each tenant's lease ends, so that they can be repopulated with richer [and, I'm sure they hope, whiter] tenants who will appreciate the new gables), and past the place where they fenced off the place where Fairfielde Streete used to connect with Forrest Blvd. How nice it would be to be able to walk in through that way. But, no, to get to that suburban gem, Avondale Lake, you must go all the way down Forrest Blvd.

And when you arrive, you and your dog are greeted with another sign: For the use of Avondale Estates residents only. I must say, the people of Avondale Estates are less open with their disdain. The black fishermen always have a friendly "How you doin'?" And sometimes the perky mother with her jogging stroller offers a strained smile.

And then there's the other side. When I jog through Avondale, drivers always wave. When I'm driving through Avondale, I wave, too. (Black pedestrians often seem puzzled by this -- maybe waves don't usually cross the racial divide?)

Speaking of driving, what's up with Atlantans' propensity to declare their neighborhood identity on their cars? Avondale Estates people have their own proud stickers, and Decatur City people have their little Decatur City front license plates. (Cobb County dickwads just have Bush stickers.)

And let's not forget the street signs. Decatur's municipal government must devote half of its budget to putting up and maintaining signs at every intersection that borders another jurisdiction, lest there be any mistake that you're entering or leaving Decatur City. It's such a jaunty, seventies-looking little sign. But you don't even have to look at it to tell when you've crossed over: the asphalt changes.

Well, gotta run. I'm going over to Walmart to watch the construction.

The Race Car Game

With traffic set to increase throughout Dekalb to feed the gaping maw of Walmart, perhaps you'd like a new diversion to pass the time as you sit in your car? Try the Race Car Game.

Race Car Game
players: 1-6
where to play: busy street

Instructions:
Atlanta is the capital of Black America, the place too busy to hate. But prejudice is all around us. This game is about stereotypes. The principle is to guess the race of a car's driver before you can see said driver clearly through the windshield. Each player gets ten guesses (meaning ten cars to guess). A correct guess is worth one point. The player with the highest score after everyone's used their guesses wins. Or you can play by yourself, just keep track of your scores. Practice makes perfect!

Here are some hints:
Nissan Altimas: black
VW Bugs: white (and, if male, gay)
Late model Volvos: white
Saabs: Ditto
Cars with tinted windows: black (but impossible to verify)
Cars with loud rap music shaking the windshield: either way
Postal trucks: black

Fun for the whole family!

Walmart is Coming!

It's 2:30 in the morning, and the cool night air wafts through my open window. With it waft the sounds of construction. Yes, the new Avondale Walmart will be open 24 hours a day, and I guess they decided to start with the construction site. I couldn't believe it at first. As I listened to the beep beep beep and the distant roar of engines, I thought (a) who the hell is backing trucks up at this time of night? and (b) it couldn't be Walmart because I live more than a mile away from the construction site.

So, curious, and unable to sleep, I roused my confused dog and went out for a nocturnal drive. Sure enough, the site was awash with stadium lights, and huge steam shovels and dump trucks were churning away through the dirt. (Steam shovels? Do they still call them that?) I flashed my brights at them. That'll show 'em! Think they can come here into my community and make noise all night? I feel sorry for the people who live closer.

What kind of a neighbor will Walmart make if it's already blasting away through the night?

And what effects will this behemoth have on our communities? Will sweet Midway Road become a thoroughfare? (Midway's got its own construction coming, but that's another story.) They say Walmarts suck the economic life out of communities. Which retailers are likely to suffer? Downtown Decatur is probably safe, because, let's face it, Brick Store customers aren't exactly Walmart's prime clientele.

You know that the Kroger on Memorial and Columbia is gonna go. And all the shops around it, since Walmart sells hair straightener for cheap. But let's just watch, shall we? Because we're not in small town America any more. We're living in Dekalb County!